MONDAY
Being the first Sunday following our conference weeks, our devotionals are going to look a little different. This week, we are hearing stories of resilience from folks in our congregation.
By Helen Endl
Chapter 1 DENIAL
The term resilient does not appear in the Bible. However, you will find ribbons of it running from Genesis to Revelation. The numerous saints who turned to God in their suffering and remained resilient have encouraged and upheld me as I’ve journeyed on my own pathway of suffering and transformation. I pray you see the evidence of God’s faithful presence as I share some of my story.
When I started attending LifeBridge on Easter 2014, God also started me on a road of suffering. I couldn’t know what lay ahead, but I know now it was His providence that brought me to this church. As my husband spiraled into deep depression, he withdrew far away from us and I spiraled into fear, panic and self-dependence. I did not surrender it to God. I had to do something to fix this! In desperation we sought doctors, treatments, therapists and medication, to no avail. As I stood at the base of this huge mountain I had to climb, the burden was so very heavy. I was carrying my own backpack, as well as my husband’s. I could not believe this was happening! Our plan was to retire, travel and enjoy the grandkids. He could no longer work. I had to add more hours, yet was fearful to leave him alone. Would we have enough money? Do we have to sell the house? Am I emotionally strong enough for this? Oh yes, satan used all these thoughts and more to try and take me down. I cried, I wallowed, I screamed. I was so angry—at my husband and at God. But at the bottom of that anger, was fear. I feared God would not take care of us. He continued to nudge me to search out scripture to help express my pain.
Psalm 30:8-10 To You, O LORD I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy: “What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Be my help”
Chapter 2 CROSSROADS
My questions of WHY turned to HOW. How will I do this God??? After 38 years of marriage, I was now “alone.” My husband lay on the couch day after day, lost in darkness. I couldn’t help him. He couldn’t help himself. I wanted things back the way they were. I wanted peace and joy. I wanted to run away. I clearly remember the day God whispered to me, “Remember your wedding vows?” I did remember, especially the part about “in sickness and in health.” I promised that to my husband. Could I do it? Not run, but stay and care for him and accept what God had allowed?
At this crossroad, God helped me commit to stay and turn to Him for help. He revealed my deep need for Him; the ugliness of my sin. He assured me I was not alone and bestowed blessings of scripture, books, dear friends and church family praying for us and the sweetness of His presence. He also allowed MORE suffering! My Dad passed away and a few months later my sweet Schnauzer, Ruby. I developed my own health issues. I believe God was stripping away the things I held close instead of Him. Yet He is SO faithful…though my backpack was heavier, He helped me carry it, just like He promised in Matthew 11:28. His divine testing was growing my resiliency every step I chose to depend on Him. You see, you cannot grow in resilience without being tested in the fire. Job 13:15 says, “though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him.” And that’s what I’m continuing to do.
Mental illness is fraught with unknowns and stereotypes. We are afraid of it and keep those enduring it at arm’s length. Loved ones tried to comfort and reassure but didn’t really understand what we were going through. However, God did bring an acquaintance to me with similar experiences and we became close sisters in Christ. She kept encouraging me to not give up and trust God. She listened. I’ve found that we all need to do that. Not try to fix or offer wisdom, just listen.
Exodus 14:13-14 Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance of the LORD…the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
The Hebrew word for “be still” is the same as “wait” in many cases. I have never been good at that but God is teaching me. It is not when we achieve our end goal that we are transformed but in the process along the way. Jesus is BOTH the end goal and the way to it!
Chapter 3 THE BIG PICTURE
This really isn’t my story. It’s His. He has moved my focus off my situation to Him. It’s no longer about how to keep struggling through life in the midst of my husband’s depression. It’s about the big picture—He wants to transform MY life through this suffering. He has shown me my identity is in Him; not in my spouse, my work or any standards the world measures me by. I often preach this summary of Isaiah 43: 1-4, to remind myself:
He created me. Redeemed me. I am His. No matter what I go through, He will be with me. I am precious to Him.
This is YOUR identity as well. We will all suffer but He will NOT forsake us! We can only know that, as we look in the rear view mirror of where we’ve been.
I now know Jesus like never before. Believe me—He is truly, truly worth it. Don’t wait—seek Him!
*Andy is aware that this is being shared and he has approved of what Helen wrote in this story.